TWILIGHT REVIEW

It’s not often I wish I were 15 again. But this movie, ah, this movie—this one’s for the Teen Horny Nerd Girls. I heard them in the lobby, “Oh my god! I love your shirt!” One shrieked and giggled at a stranger. It was just a “Twilight” t-shirt. That’s what this movie is doing to girls—sending them right into puberty.

Natalie Wood had James Dean. Molly Ringwald had Jake Ryan. Now, this girl Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) gets Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). And boy, is he dreamy. Hunky. Hot. Mysterious. This movie gets you right where you live, or where you wish you lived. Okay, where I wish I lived.

Vampires are hot right now. Obviously. We’ve got “True Blood”, “Moonlight”, and I think NBC’s coming out with a “Law & Order BSU: Blood Suckers Unit”. Maybe guys don’t get it, I don’t know. But let me break it down for you. What do women want? The bad boy. And what’s more bad than the undead? (Answer: Nothing. Keep up!) Chicks love the brooding, sexy, misunderstood guy. The poet. The off-the-beaten path guy. We’ll understand. We’ll save him. And we love dudes that are into us. This guy, he hungers for her blood! There is no more “into you” than that, my friends. So, it’s got that built-in romantic tension: I want to be with you, but I might kill you. I’m primally attracted to you, but if we get past second base, I might “accidentally” rip your throat out or make you immortal. Our parents might not approve of our age difference, as you’re 18 and I’m 317. Tale as old as time.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t take a date. I was scared. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and frankly, what if we found it hot? What if we, two grown-up people, saw these high school kids flying around and macking on each other, witnessed this hot vampire child movie, then went home and got romantic? What would that say about us?

Nope. I went solo. And I was right. It was hot. And sweet. It was “Rebel Without a Cause” with fangs. “Undead in Pink.” Girl moves to small town. She’s kind of fringe, likes the totally hottest guy. Gets him. Kind of. There’s action, adventure, romance.

It’s great. And, if you’re up for it, a great date movie. Ideally, you should take a Vampire. What a great way to let your Vampire Sweetheart know you’re down with the cause, that you get it—That you support them and their feeding ways. There’s a couple of hitches in the story, like, if you’re a pack of centuries old vampires, why do you even bother going to high school? And, really, no one notices the inhumanly pale people at the school? I mean, it’s overcast much of the time, but still.

I recommend the movie, date or otherwise. And I recommend that if you’re over 20, pretend you’re not, and just enjoy the fantasy. Happy hunting.

— Laura House